When we opened up again after many months of virtual writing retreats, it was lovely to welcome to our residential writing retreat, amongst others, Alice Raw, a PhD student from Oxford University.
Alice had been nominated by her supervisor for one of our CWR Awards for female PhD students - and after much deliberation by the judges, she was the deserving recipient of our 'Resilience in a Pandemic Award'.
In the blog that follows, Alice shares her story.
I was so honoured to be the recipient of the Chapelgarth Writing Retreats Award for Resilience in a Pandemic. When I was notified about the award in January, I was in an incredibly difficult place with my work. A mixture of personal circumstances around the pandemic meant that over the previous ten months or so, I had to move home twice, while trying to shelter due to underlying health conditions, and simultaneously care for a partner affected by long-Covid. Many sleepless nights, with fears about the future, making sure I was bringing in enough for us both to live on, while also trying to finish my DPhil, meant that my work had taken a hit. In fact, I hadn’t managed more than about half an hour of writing at a time, too tired, stressed, or busy to do more.
Marcella generously offered all of the nominees a series of virtual writing retreats early this year. The first that I joined, in February, was the first time in almost a year that I sat down, took ownership of a time and space that was for me and my work, and wrote for an extended session. It was also special to meet a group of women doctoral students, all in similar stages, going through a uniquely challenging time. In a year that had often felt very lonely, those early sessions were, for a few hours at a time, a small community. I started to adopt some of the habits I learned there: switching off my phone; specifically allotting myself tasks; and reflecting more on what I had managed to achieve, and what needed to happen next.
Coming to Chapelgarth, I read Marcella’s preparatory notes and readings, but otherwise had very few preconceptions or expectations of what a writing retreat would be like. It meant I was really keen to commit to the format, avoiding the internet and my phone during writing sessions. I think the best thing that I did before coming was making sure I had plenty of handwritten and printed notes to work from, so that the writing room really was purely for writing. For me, focussed writing is probably the most difficult part of my work, so it was good to enter the space for each writing session knowing that all my thoughts were in place – it was just a matter of getting them onto the page. The effect was really tangible. I found that with no other distractions and thorough preparation, in a few hours I could get done what may have taken me a day or two at home. I also found it was important to be flexible with my goals. In some sessions, I did more than I expected, and used the momentum to keep producing past my goals. In others, I spent a long time unable to resolve a particular thought, and this needed space too.
Something that I was not really prepared for was the effect of being in an entirely supported working environment. It came as quite a shock! Anyone who on a day to day basis does a certain level of domestic and emotional labour will, I think, understand something of this. Something as simple as a wonderful meal prepared by another person in itself is a very special kind of care, and it felt very meaningful to me to share food together. Having four days where all that was expected of me was that I write was incredibly freeing. It also came with an emotional response, where it felt like 16 months of weight was lifted all at once. For me, this resulted in an unfortunate flare of my chronic fatigue which took me out of the writing room for a day. Even in this Marcella and everyone else on the retreat was so kind and supportive, and I heard repeatedly what I haven’t heard in the longest time: this is your body telling you it’s time to rest, so rest.
The advice I’d give to doctoral students (or anyone really!) coming to Chapelgarth is to open yourself up to the whole experience, and sharing your thoughts, personal and academic, with the group. Some of the most important developments in my ideas during the retreat happened while chatting to someone in the middle of the wood, or while saying hello to a llama. I learned the most from the moments where I explained the problems I was experiencing with my work, and benefitted from being surrounded by people who had all had comparable experiences and challenges. At the retreat, I finished the last really difficult part of my thesis, which as I write is in its final read-through with my supervisors. But the experience was so much more than the output, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
